Big Jim Classic Review #1


Turns out I use to have a Xanga. For those who don't know, Xanga is like MySpace, only just for blogging. And like MySpace it still "kind of" exists.

I recently logged on and checked out some of my older writing. By older I simply mean writing from early 2005. Most of these writings are movie reviews. Since this site now exists I have decided to repost some of them here. There will be some things that are repetitive from the show, but these are the early drafts of those thoughts.

Each time I post one I will refer to it as "A Big Jim Classic," because I am a bit egotistical and self deprecating at the same time. Here is my first installment.



If “Sith” means “Shitty Movie” then the “Sith” truly had their revenge.

So, a guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender goes to the end of the bar, audibly opens his zipper and a few moments later returns to the man with a tall glass of warm yellow liquid. The man, wanting a beer, fails to notice it and drinks the fluid. He quickly spits the mouthful of piss he just drank across the room. Wounded he goes home.

A few years later the same man walks into the same bar. He orders a beer from the same bartender. The bartender goes to the end of the bar, you hear the zipper and a glass of warm yellow liquid is placed in front of the man. The man, not wanting to believe that the same thing could happen twice, decides to drink it again. The piss goes flying and the man goes home rejected.

Yet another few years pass and the man returns to the bar. He orders a beer from the same bartender and the zipper ritual is repeated. The glass is set down and the man. Well, let’s just say if that third glass of piss was a movie it would be called “Revenge of the Sith”.

Congratulations George, you got me to guzzle piss once again. Another $8.00 for you, you fucking scumbag.

I am only looking for three things when I go to a movie.

1. A good story that is told well.

2. Interesting characters that are compelling and believable in the world they inhabit.

3. Dialogue that is in some way plausible or at the very least believable.

What did I get?

1.Interesting story told badly (contact was made, long fly ball, goes foul for strike one.)

2.Horrible characters with no development (strike two)

3.Dialogue that sounds like it came from a 15 year olds piece of fan fiction (strike three)

George Lucas, strike out king. Right on, shitbag.

I am going to try and do this with minimal spoilers, but fuck, we all know where the story is going.

Main problem, the action in this movie did nothing but facilitate the original trilogy. There was no development of characters, no (plausible) motives given. It was just an exercise in getting from point A to point B. There was no dramatic tension, the action didn’t flow from one scene to the next building to the climax. Every scene existed to set up what came next.

Second problem, too much shit that didn’t matter at all.

General Grievous, totally unnecessary. There was no point to him at all, none, do not argue this with me.

With the exception of the Dukoo/Anakin fight and the Anakin/Obi Juan duel, none of the actions scenes had any meaning other than to show off ILM’s fancy new tricks. Nothing advanced the plot.

The dialogue, Jesus Christ on a crutch, just thinking about it almost gives me apoplexy. Lucas doesn’t seem to realize that expository dialogue (dialogue that just tells the story) is boring and it is better to try and show things than have the characters tell them.

I got a nice earful about why Anakin becomes Vader but didn’t see why he did it. Lucas had the chance to work a brilliant string of Machiavellian influencing of Anakin to lead him into the trap of his emotions, but no. We get to see the most powerful Jedi ever subjugate himself as the bitch of a man he could easily defeat. Let me repeat that. ANIKIN COULD HAVE BEATEN PALPINTINE WITOUT BREAKING A FUCKING SWEAT. But no, he immediately hits his knees and is tonsil deep on the man before you can say “What the fuck?”

Basically this movie was fucked before one frame was shot. The screenplay sucked and wasted a ton of time developing ideas and story threads that were unimportant and left the most vital story twisting in the wind.

In short, I have seen better film on teeth. I hate you George Lucas, not because I feel you betrayed some movies that I loved as a kid, but because you are a lazy storyteller who pissed away the opportunity to create a masterpiece.


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