The Film Thugs Movie Show

My review of the first 30 minutes of Kevin Smith’s “Cop Out.”

I’m going to tell you this up front, I only watched 30 minutes of this film. I do not turn movies off. I just don’t. As a fan I always want to see how the story resolves, and as a critic I do not feel that one can give informed thought based on incomplete information. I have sat through more crap to the bitter end than I am proud to admit, but I made a rule and damn it, I follow that rule. No matter how bad it is I will always stick it out to the bitter end. No exceptions. I made an exception here.

This movie has so many embarrassing, painfully unfunny, ill devised, badly written, clumsily paced, poorly shot, horribly developed, flaccidly delivered, inept moments in the first thirty minutes that I am surprised it didn’t reach critical mass and explode, sending the earth spiraling into the sun.

That’s right; the beginning of this is so bad I was afraid it might cause the end of the world. So I had no choice as a responsible and caring human being than to shut it off after only 30 minutes. For all I know it could have reached “Blazing Saddles” levels of comic brilliance after the first 30 minutes, but I just couldn’t risk it.

I honestly cannot make sense of this thing. There is nothing in the first thirty minutes that sets this film apart as a Kevin Smith project. It is clumsy, both in writing and directing, somehow drags and feels rushed at the same time, and ahs the feel of a writer screaming “LAUGH!! THIS IS FUNNY!! LAUGH YOU ASSHOLES!!!” after every line.

Why Smith, who calls himself out as a “put the camera on the talking guys and let them say my words” director chose this is a mystery to me. If the action scenes were the only problem then it would almost be excusable.

They aren’t the only problem, it’s not excusable, and the first 30 minutes of this film are very nearly the worst thing I have ever seen in my entire life.

Congratulations. You broke me.

I am going to try and pin down the problem here. Smith is a filmmaker who makes films with a fairly personal feeling to them. They may not be what one would typically call "personal" films, we aren't talking Cameron Crowe with "Almost Famous" type personal, but there is a definite personal relation between Smith and his protagonists. His best films have characters who are, on some level, different versions of himself. This is not an insult, hell, Truffaut has an entire series of films where he employs the same actor as an onscreen version of himself throughout his life. But the strength of Smith has always been the very close personal connection he seems to share with his main characters.

That was nowhere to be seen here.

This film reminds me of something I tell my filmmaking and creative writing students all the time. If your story or film doesn't mean anything to you then it won't mean anything to anyone else. I'm not just talking about "arty" fare here. I am talking every type of film and story. It doesn't have to be deep or life changing, but there has to be something of meaning there for the filmmaker.

There is a reason "Clerks" gets a 10 year anniversary release, and "Chasing Amy" got a Criterion edition, but "Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back," probably won't. The first two were stories that obviously meant something to Kevin. He was making a statement about his day to day life and how easy it is for someone to feel trapped and overpowered by life in one and saying something about the nature of love and human connection in the other. Not that "Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back" is bad, but it is not in the same league as the other two.

I miss the old Kevin. Really, I do. This is a guy who can really tell a story when he wants to and has the potential to be a really fantastic filmmaker. Sadly, I don't think he has made anything that really means something to him since "Jersey Girl." For better or worse, regardless of how it fared that was a "put it all on the line for something that is important to me" moment for him. That is what I want to see more of from him. He's proven with his early work that there is a good filmmaker in there, but that potential has been stagnating for a while because he's in a comfort zone. Not that I blame him. The one time he ventured out he got smacked right back into it by pretty much everyone. But still, I really want to see that promise developed.

Like I tell my students, "Think of it as climbing Mt. Everest. Either we will succeed spectacularly, or we will fail spectacularly. But if we die trying, then we die trying to do something awesome. Don't be satisfied walking a hike and bike trail. Go for something amazing. That way, even your failures will be amazing." I would love to see Kevin go really put it out there. He may succeed, he may not. But I would rather see him fail with something he loves than put out something like "Cop Out," a film where his indifference is undeniable.